Horrible hand ham and cheese board

Mix room-temperature cream cheese with salt, black pepper, a little granulated garlic, a few shakes of cayenne, chopped parsley and finely chopped roasted red peppers.

Clean down the bowl, wrap and refrigerate the spread until cold.

Trace a hand on parchment or wax paper, angling the pencil tip under the fingers for an accurate size; flip the paper onto a sheet pan, fixed with a dot of cheese under each corner.

With a teaspoon and a finger, fill the outline with the cold spread, staying within the lines and building it to slightly under the thickness of the finger, hand or wrist; smooth rough spots.

Cover with plastic and freeze about an hour until firm.

Cut off the fingers and separate the hand from the wrist; wrap each finger in a thin slice of prosciutto, seams underneath, and cover the hand and wrist.

Cover and freeze another hour or so.

Assemble on the serving board: the hand palm side down, then the fingers tucked under its edge, then the wrist; patch seams and add strips for tendons with extra prosciutto, using a small paring knife.

Chill in the fridge ahead of serving so it is firm; serve with crackers and olives, a knife stuck in the back of the hand and 'blood' on the cut.